Monday, October 14, 2013

Lifting Me Up....

I woke today with not only my head spinning into so many directions I couldn't see straight I also had a stomach ache , and the final pangs of leaving these horrific meds behind FOREVER I thought........ I thought of my Father and trying to remember his Voice , yesterday was his birthday , he been gone 26 years now , I still pain over him like it was yesterday, I look at my son and see and hear his humor in his facial expressions, I guess I would feel the same way watching myself LOL. those that know me well think Dillon is so much like me as a kid. The thought of NOW WHAT....keeps climbing into my mind , refurbishing my father in laws home has taken a toll on our little family , my amazing husband has worked so hard and continues to, to bring value to this property, he is succeeding. after being in Media 22 years and having been in theatre and having struggled with no less than 2 to 3 jobs before I met davin , I sat today in our car and IT HIT ME I am BORED and TIRED I dont know how to NOT "DO" to not MOVE around and be completing something ,creating something, learning something. right now I wash way too many dishes by hand in a sink that I believe hercules installed the hardware....you MUST PUSH AND PULL harder than a Viking in the lower level of a ship, to get from cold to hot and back OR from Left to right. BUT it is not my home Im ...LIV...survi...ummm squatting here for a bit, laugh if you will but I have about 5 outfits , none of our belongings and a couple of kitchen items , the rest is in storage waiting. and we are here waiting for our home to be done. we WILL be in there in a couple of weeks and soon I can be free of the over feeling yucky in this somewhat taken care of home , it also was a hoarded place so the cleanup has never been complete here and certain things in this house can only be fixed by Complete Elimination , since it is not our place to do so ,(its my sister in laws home)(she returns here from NYC at months end) I am a very sad Portuguese homemaker , Dirt is not my thing, so I have been in a NOT MY THING home for 6 months now . the latest thought is business OURS ,MINE,HIS all the things that were put ON HOLD after his father passed . we must find the courage to regroup to restart Its hard to get advice from folks who have never cracked a mic or interviewed a celebrity or Public figure, Most people have no idea what it takes to create a SHOW have followers Listeners , and be responsible for ENTERTAINING masses SO HOW can we go and try to explain where we are at in our career and how much we have suffered to be where we are now in our journey , if no one around us has left the state they live in never mind Interviewed Jessica Simpson. we must take everyones advice with not only a grain of salt but also understand They do not understand Nor will they ever , Unless they live with us and do what we do.
it has indeed been a challenge , we have moved YES, but in those past moves there was always a job to go to. today was hard , and the rain made it harder. picking up my fatherin laws grave marker.....HARDER still , a hard sad day with all that happened today , a phone call from my mother put things in a greater light then ever as I tried not to cry telling her what I feel ....SHE came back with WHAT I WAS FEELING, weird? no, not at all MOMS know. when I told her about how we are Struggling to make sense of what GOD has laid out for us , SHE came back with this is your journey and share your thoughts with GOD as him to clear the path so you can make the best decisions ONLY you BOTH know what you are capable of doing , ONLY both of you know where you have been. whats going to hurt your kids? a move? a failed marriage? an unexpected Death? DISEASE? YOU know you're kids better than anyone else, I began to really think about everyone I have been around in the last months OR who have I had serious conversations with
I have Military friends, Divorced friends , settled for life friends, and to be honest NO ONE is with out some issue. society wants to make all of us feel warped and wrong because we were handed a not PERFECT HAND. this all has been a good lesson today and I feel better at 4:00pm then I did at 8 am and as I finish writing this I am busy thinking of what yummy dinner I can put together tonight as well, and having many things to do makes me feel much better.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

6 months Never in all my moves has it been this difficult to be ok in my surroundings , Both homes we are connected with , (the one we're living in) and of coarse the worse of the two the one which we will call home , had to be cleaned and when I say cleaned, I dont mean oh some bleach some windex it will be good as new!!!
yea .....about that ..... just on the cleaning of the homestead it has taken us 1 and half boxes of construction size trash bags , just for trash , that does not includes hard ware and wood. that does include piles and piles of rat chewed clothing , documents,linens towels, recreation toys, frames . then there was the after math of the chewing.................POOP. dust pans filled with rat POOP .....dead spiders, roaches,scorpions,cicada bugs. the house we are staying had less animal mess but the hoarding was the same and the smoke smell continues till we are gone. all our things lay in storage and we have limited clothing so laundry is doubled. I was brought up in a home where cleanliness was at the top of the list , it is a stepping stone to organization which is the key to making life run smoother , knowing what you possess and what needs fixing what is needed and not needed so to be put in a situation where NONE of that is taking place and has not been in a very long time is very hard road. we all have mistakes we have made in our lives and roads we should not have taken , even though there have been missteps my kids are not at the mercy of our choices , they have been very well taken care of they are loved and compared to other countries and other families around us they have both parents , their parents really love each other, we pray together, we try as hard as possible to never go too long without eating dinner together yes we are CATHOLIC , that is OUR path. and I believe it has been the SAVIOR to our heartache. there is still so much more to do and writing my Portuguese 1st Gen cookbook is in the works, my cooking show op was put on hold , our show was put on hold, the time is coming when all of this will become fluid and it is soon. and these things are what KEEP me going Keep me strong till the day when my house will no longer be uncomfortable to be in. and that day is Soon

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Sandy Point .....Lets Go back to Summer's start 2013

It feels so Good to be back on track BLOG speaking! been a while, and so much has happened moving and moving theres moving and packing and moving . ok you get the point. well I thought why not go back to right at the summers start and play catch up along the way .
the first week in New England was sad looking , the sky was grey and the air was wet but the undeniable smell of salt water and summer BBQ's could be smelled miles away the mingling of Fresh cut green grass and early morning dew evaporating on the leaves of shrubs is a young memory for me we never forget scents. took the kids and Davin to Portsmouth Ma. the day was sad looking But I knew Even the Aromatherapy and feel of the salt water on our feet would be great no matter what face the sky showed. I had loved to go there with my college room mate she is from Marblehead Mass and barely ever got down to the South shore. we'd get cute and go watch the Polo matches , and sit and talk about the world walking on SANDY POINT. so I drove to Sandy Point with the Fam.
the words of that Day July 2 2013.......Relaxing, Fun , Pretty, memorable.