Monday, October 14, 2013

Lifting Me Up....

I woke today with not only my head spinning into so many directions I couldn't see straight I also had a stomach ache , and the final pangs of leaving these horrific meds behind FOREVER I thought........ I thought of my Father and trying to remember his Voice , yesterday was his birthday , he been gone 26 years now , I still pain over him like it was yesterday, I look at my son and see and hear his humor in his facial expressions, I guess I would feel the same way watching myself LOL. those that know me well think Dillon is so much like me as a kid. The thought of NOW WHAT....keeps climbing into my mind , refurbishing my father in laws home has taken a toll on our little family , my amazing husband has worked so hard and continues to, to bring value to this property, he is succeeding. after being in Media 22 years and having been in theatre and having struggled with no less than 2 to 3 jobs before I met davin , I sat today in our car and IT HIT ME I am BORED and TIRED I dont know how to NOT "DO" to not MOVE around and be completing something ,creating something, learning something. right now I wash way too many dishes by hand in a sink that I believe hercules installed the MUST PUSH AND PULL harder than a Viking in the lower level of a ship, to get from cold to hot and back OR from Left to right. BUT it is not my home Im ...LIV...survi...ummm squatting here for a bit, laugh if you will but I have about 5 outfits , none of our belongings and a couple of kitchen items , the rest is in storage waiting. and we are here waiting for our home to be done. we WILL be in there in a couple of weeks and soon I can be free of the over feeling yucky in this somewhat taken care of home , it also was a hoarded place so the cleanup has never been complete here and certain things in this house can only be fixed by Complete Elimination , since it is not our place to do so ,(its my sister in laws home)(she returns here from NYC at months end) I am a very sad Portuguese homemaker , Dirt is not my thing, so I have been in a NOT MY THING home for 6 months now . the latest thought is business OURS ,MINE,HIS all the things that were put ON HOLD after his father passed . we must find the courage to regroup to restart Its hard to get advice from folks who have never cracked a mic or interviewed a celebrity or Public figure, Most people have no idea what it takes to create a SHOW have followers Listeners , and be responsible for ENTERTAINING masses SO HOW can we go and try to explain where we are at in our career and how much we have suffered to be where we are now in our journey , if no one around us has left the state they live in never mind Interviewed Jessica Simpson. we must take everyones advice with not only a grain of salt but also understand They do not understand Nor will they ever , Unless they live with us and do what we do.
it has indeed been a challenge , we have moved YES, but in those past moves there was always a job to go to. today was hard , and the rain made it harder. picking up my fatherin laws grave marker.....HARDER still , a hard sad day with all that happened today , a phone call from my mother put things in a greater light then ever as I tried not to cry telling her what I feel ....SHE came back with WHAT I WAS FEELING, weird? no, not at all MOMS know. when I told her about how we are Struggling to make sense of what GOD has laid out for us , SHE came back with this is your journey and share your thoughts with GOD as him to clear the path so you can make the best decisions ONLY you BOTH know what you are capable of doing , ONLY both of you know where you have been. whats going to hurt your kids? a move? a failed marriage? an unexpected Death? DISEASE? YOU know you're kids better than anyone else, I began to really think about everyone I have been around in the last months OR who have I had serious conversations with
I have Military friends, Divorced friends , settled for life friends, and to be honest NO ONE is with out some issue. society wants to make all of us feel warped and wrong because we were handed a not PERFECT HAND. this all has been a good lesson today and I feel better at 4:00pm then I did at 8 am and as I finish writing this I am busy thinking of what yummy dinner I can put together tonight as well, and having many things to do makes me feel much better.